Summon Bigger Fish
by Neonn
Summary: Everyone gets together to try a new role-playing game. Needless, to say, it doesn't go over very well.


Neonn: I was watching Season Zero, and the whole time they were playing Monster World, all I could think of was: GAH! THEY'RE FRICKIN LEVEL ONE! THEY CAN'T BEAT ZORC! GAH! IT'S LIKE THEM MANAGING TO KILL CTHULHU! GAKARGHGAH! *dies*

And this was born.

IMPORTANT NOTE: For those who haven't played, Call of Cthulhu is a horror storytelling RPG. The Game Master is called the 'Keeper of Arcane Lore,' and the characters are called 'investigators,' not because that's their job (my current character is an author, for goodness sakes) but because that's what they are doing—investigating strange things. And the more they investigate and know, the more their sanity points drop. Cthulhu, along with several other things, depending on the scenario, is the BIG BAD. And, no, there really isn't any way to beat him. Maybe barely survive by running away, but that's about it. You can't really go in with guns blazing like you can in most games. In fact, that's one way to die really quick. The game is way fun. And it usually ends with your characters dead or insane. Check it out :)

And, yes, I'm making up a scenario and mixing it up with the first one I ever played (I think it was called the Haunting. It was the one with the Corbitt house.) as I go along. Hopefully it won't be too confusing. And while there probably should be a lot more dice rolling, it's really boring to describe. So there won't be lots of dice involved. Only when I need it for humor, or for the actual plot. And, yes, in one of the early games, you could Headbutt things, which would make the opponent pause for a whole turn. And you had a 95% chance of doing so.

I refer to Yami no Malik as Ishtar. When reading, it makes it easier to differentiate between the two.

Timeline? What Timeline? I hate continuity :)

Thanks to shematite for betaing. Go read her fic, kk? You'll like it, I promise :)

XxXxX

**Summon Bigger Fish**

"I can't believe I'm doing this," muttered Kaiba unhappily.

"Oh, don't complain. Look how happy Ryou is," said Anzu, gesturing to the teenager. He was happily filling out a character sheet, a big grin on his face. His father had recently sent him a new game from England—to be accurate, a surprisingly small rule book for a game called Call of Cthulhu. Small for a role-playing game, anyway. He had immediately read through it and had somehow convinced everyone that it would be fun to try. Everyone had agreed, though they were a little wary of allowing Yami no Bakura to be the 'Keeper'. But since Ryou wanted to be an 'investigator,' and no one else knew enough about it, the job fell to Ryou's darker half.

Said darker half was currently rereading through the rule book. Next to him was a computer, which he was using to look up extra information. A disturbingly creepy grin had formed on his face, promising trouble for the players.

There were ten of them gathered, on a large table at Kaiba's mansion. Bakura was sitting at the head of the table, to his right was Ryou, then Malik, Ishtar, Yuugi, Yami no Yuugi, Jounouchi, Honda, Anzu, and finally Kaiba to his left.

"I wanted to be the Keeper," Kaiba replied. He was not sulking. He was Kaiba Seto, and Kaiba Seto did not sulk.

"Oh, come off it, can you even read the book? I mean, it is in _English_," asked Bakura harshly, delightedly taunting the teenager.

"I am the owner of a multi-billion dollar company, with contracts around the world. I think it's safe to say I can read a book in English," retorted Kaiba.

Bakura waved him off. "You just want to be the one with the computer."

"I just think I could do a better job, that's all—"

"Guys, can we just play the game?" asked Yuugi.

"Right then, I think we're all ready," said Ryou, pencil poised. "And we all agree to let the dice just fall from our hands, right? No spinning." Everyone nodded. No one wanted another impossible string of criticals between Yami and Bakura.

"Good. Now, the nine of you are in a small, cramped office—" started Bakura, before being interrupted by Ishtar.

"No we aren't. We're in Kaiba's mansion." Bakura glared at him. "I thought we explained this to you. We're _pretending_, remember?"

"Oh. Right."

"May I continue?"

"You may."

"So, you are in a small, cramped office. You have just been hired by a local landowner to investigate a house. Strange things have been happening there—the last residents of the house are currently in an asylum for the incurably insane. He wants you to get to the bottom of it, and is willing to reward you handsomely for your troubles. What do you do?"

"Go to the house!" said Jounouchi. Bakura nodded.

"You're outside the house. It looks normal. It's a picturesque Victorian-style two story home overlooking a beach. It has a small yard, the backyard eventually leading into the sands of the beach. It's partially cut off from the view of the road by a thick forest. It appears well kept."

"Sounds great, let's go inside!" said Honda.

"Wait, don't you guys want to find out a little bit more before going in?" asked Ryou.

Jou gave him a blank look. "What's to know? It looks normal."

Malik, having played a different scenario last week with Ryou and Bakura, and going through a whopping seven characters in the process, rolled his eyes. "Can we hear anything unusual?"

"Hmmm. No. Just the normal beach sounds—waves lapping gently against the shore."

"Are there any other buildings nearby?" asked Yami.

"My house," declared Anzu.

"What?" asked Bakura.

"My house. It's right next to the creepy haunted one."

"You can't just decide—"

"I am an author, and have been featuring that house in many of my stories. I have to be close to the source of my inspiration," she continued stubbornly. Bakura sighed. "Fine. That's the only building. Anzu's house."

"What time of day is it?" asked Malik.

"Noon."

"It's still light, let's go look!" insisted Jou. Honda nodded.

"Fine, let's go into the creepy house without knowing anything about it," said Kaiba under his breath. Bakura took that as an agreement.

"You enter the house. You can see one long hallway. There are three closed doors on the left, and two on the right. At the end of the hallway is a set of stairs going up, and another closed door to the left of the stairs. The closest door on your right is open, and you can see a living room. It has a couch, a TV, a rug, and a bookshelf. There are two windows, one looking out to the front yard, and one looking out to the side of the house. There are toys and knick-knacks strewn about. You can't tell if the other door on the right is open or not."

"I go into the living room and open all the windows," declared Yuugi. "If something scary comes, I want other exits available."

"Alright, so you open the windows."

"Do we hear anything?" asked Ryou.

"Roll for it." Ryou did so, succeeding. "You hear a strange thumping from upstairs. It is a slow thump, in a steady rhythm."

"I check the ceiling," said Malik.

"You see a light bulb. You stare directly into it, blinding yourself temporarily."

"I'm still outside, right?" says Ishtar suddenly.

"Do you want to be?"

"I do."

"Then you're outside."

"I check the ceiling," said Ishtar. Everyone stared.

"You do realize you're _outside_," said Kaiba.

"I do. And I shall check the ceiling." Bakura shrugged. "You look up and see the sky. It's a beautiful day, though there are some gathering clouds in the east suggesting a storm may be coming."

"Is there anything valuable in the living room?" asked Malik

"The previous owners are in the insane asylum and you want to steal their stuff?" asked Yami, appalled. Malik shrugged. "I rolled really low on deciding what my income would be, and spent most of it on elephant guns. Then paint so they would match my shirt. I need to get more money somehow."

"You're still temporarily blind and can't see anything of value."

"Drat. I'll try again later."

"Malik—" started the Pharaoh, oddly concerned over the valuables of a fictitious family.

"It's alright, Yami. It's just a game," Yuugi reassured his other half.

"Can we stop getting sidetracked, please?" demanded Kaiba. "I open the first door on the left."

"It's a storage room, piled with discarded, broken furniture."

"I open the windows," Yuugi hastily interjected.

"You go into the storage room, only to find there aren't any windows," said Bakura, grinning slightly.

"Am I not blind now?" asked Malik.

"Nope. Still blind."

"Drat."

"Am I still outside?" asked Ishtar.

"Where am I?" asked Anzu. Bakura rolled his eyes.

"Yes, and you're in the doorway of the house."

"What about us?" asked Honda, indicating himself and Jou.

"In the hallway, watching as Yuugi is attacked by a horde of screeching rats that just poured out of the broken furniture," growled Bakura, sick of that question. They only had to keep track of their single character--was it really that hard? Maybe they should've used the Monster World figures and a squared mat. Oh, that's right, no one wanted to even _touch_ those figures. It's not like any of them still had souls in them though. Pussies.

"WHAT?" yelled Jou. "I jump in to save him!"

"I ready my elephant gun!" said Malik.

"Okay, Malik readies his gun. Jounouchi, roll to see if you can help."

"Alright, I rolled a double zero! That's a super critical!" Bakura threw back his head and laughed, while Malik and Ishtar snickered to themselves. "What? What's so funny?" demanded Jou.

"Well, you see, Jounouchi, the double zero is a super critical in Monster World," explained Ryou. "In this game, it's, well, the opposite."

"Whaddya mean?"

"It means, fool, that you have failed to save your friend," said Malik.

"Failed so badly, in fact, that the rats abandon their attack on Yuugi and focus on _you_," Bakura grinned evilly.

"I go to help!" said Anzu and Honda in sync.

"Roll." Both rolls met with success.

"Alright, so you manage to beat the rats back, but not before they manage to gouge out Jounouchi's eyes," stated Bakura.

"What!?" said an outraged blonde.

"Well, maybe if my host, the Pharaoh and Kaiba had bothered to help…" Bakura trailed off meaningfully.

"Like I'm going to help the mutt," scoffed Kaiba.

"Uh, sorry, Jou," said Yami apologetically. "I wasn't sure if it was my turn." Ryou just offered an embarrassed smile.

"Great. So I'm blind. Wonderful," muttered Jou unhappily. "I don't think I like this game."

"So, the mutt is blind. Is there anything else in the room?"

"A closed cupboard, nailed shut."

"I shall shoot it," declared Malik. "With my elephant gun."

"Are you sure you want to do that?" asked Bakura.

"Um, Malik, I don't think that's a good idea…" started Ryou. "When the Keeper asks if you're sure, you should probably listen…"

"I shoot it!" he repeated vehemently.

"Ok, you shoot the gun, blowing a hole into the next room and causing everyone in the house to go temporarily deaf."

"I'm still outside, right?" asks Ishtar.

"Yes, you're outside," Bakura grit his teeth. Honesty, these had to be the worst players ever. Why could they not keep track of where they were?

"I cast 'summon bigger fish,'" said Ishtar confidently.

"What!?" squawked Ryou. "You don't even know what it does!"

"After I learned it last time, you wouldn't let me cast it. But now you can't hear me," Ishtar reminded him. "So I'm casting it now."

"Alright," Bakura smirked. "Congratulations. You just summoned Cthulhu. Roll for sanity." With a sigh, Ishtar did so. Bakura privately pondered over the idiocy of that statement. Ishtar's character had, ironically enough, extremely low sanity anyway.

"Okay, so you've lost enough sanity points to all developed at least one psychosis. Another, anyway, in addition to your claustrophobia, extreme paranoia and hydrophobia. No—wait. Actually, your sanity points have been cut by over half, haven't they? You're also a gibbering wreck and need to be institutionalized.

"A stench like rotting corn fills the air. You see a giant half octopus, half dragon, half humanoid being towering above you—" began Bakura dramatically.

"That's too many halves," said Kaiba.

"Shush. It's Cthulhu. He can have as many halves as he wants," said Bakura firmly. "What do you do?"

"Don't worry, guys! We can beat it!" said Jou enthusiastically.

"Actually, mutt, it's _Cthulhu_. I rather doubt it," retorted Kaiba. "We should probably leave. Quickly."

"No, it's like when we played Monster World," argued Honda. "We beat Zorc, we can beat Cthulhu."

"We'll work together to defeat this evil!" said Anzu firmly. "We can't be stopped."

Bakura rolled his eyes. "Please, spare me the theatrics. Just because it happened once does not mean it can happen in this game."

"I Headbutt Cthulhu," said Yami smugly.

"You can't Headbutt Cthulhu!" growled Bakura.

"Actually, there is nothing that specifies he can't. If he rolls successfully, then Cthulhu can't move for a turn," Ryou muttered this almost apologetically. Bakura sent his hikari a glare, feeling rather betrayed.

"It's _Cthulhu_," sputtered Bakura. "Besides, you can't even see him. By the time you do, you will have lost enough sanity that Cthulhu gets to strike first."

"Wait, we can't even see him? We're inside the house, right?" pointed out Yuugi. Bakura grit his teeth. He was never going to play a role-playing game with them ever again.

"Oh, I'm sorry. You're right. You're inside the house. And you know what? Ishtar's character just summoned Cthulhu right on top of the house. The house is destroyed, and you're all dead," he smirked triumphantly. "Except Ishtar, of course, because he's still outside."

"I'm a gibbering wreck, Malik," Ishtar confirmed to his hikari in a stage whisper.

"Aw, c'mon! You can't do that!" protested Jou.

"It's not fair!" agreed Honda.

"Fair? This is _Call of Cthulhu_. That's the entire point of the game! Nothing is fair!" retorted Bakura.

"Did you have to kill us all off?" asked Ryou pitifully.

"At least the house won't be a problem anymore," offered Yuugi.

"You can't just kill us!" protested Jou.

"He's right! You should've given us a chance!" now Anzu had joined in.

"They have a point, Tomb Robber. Isn't this cheating?" and thus the Pharaoh ganged up on him as well. Bakura scowled.

"I say screw whatever rules Bakura is making up! We'll take down Cthulhu," Kaiba wasn't really into the game, he just wanted to get a rise out of the others. No, he wasn't still bitter about not being allowed to be the Keeper. Not at all.

"But we're _dead,_" said Malik, glaring at Bakura. "And I liked that character. The guns matched my shirt."

"I punch Cthulhu!" declared Joey. He rolled a die. "Success! How much damage did I do?"

"I use my Millennium Rod on Cthulhu. He will be my mindslave, and shall obey me!" declared Ishtar, brandishing said Item.

"Ishtar, your character _doesn't have the Rod._ It isn't actually _you_. You're pretending to be this character, remember? And no damage," said a disgruntled Bakura. "Because you are _dead_ and you _can't punch out Cthulhu_!"

"Sure he can, just watch!" Honda was rooting for his friend.

"But I want my character to have the Millennium Rod!" said Ishtar, getting upset.

"He can have the Rod," Malik tried to control his yami. "It just won't work on Cthulhu, like how it won't work on Item Holders." Ishtar seemed slightly mollified, but still irritated.

"No he _can't_," Bakura exploded at Jounouchi. "It's _Cthulhu_! Your characters are barely the equivalent of a level one in any other game!"

"That's what you said when we played Monster World! And together, we defeated you!" declared Anzu.

"That's a different game entirely! This game is designed to _kill off your characters_! You can't win against Cthulhu—and you're _dead_!" As evidenced by the extreme use of italics, Bakura was quickly getting frustrated.

"We will defeat you, thief!" said Yami.

"It's not me you have to defeat," spat Bakura, "It's—you know what? Forget this! I'm never playing with you idiot mortals again!" He stood up and stormed off, leaving the room. The sound of various things being broken could be heard as he left the mansion. Kaiba looked directly at Ryou.

"I hope you can pay for that."

-End-

Neonn: Cookies if you can spot the tribute to Darths and Droids :) And if Bakura seems like he fails as a Keeper, consider how _you_ would react in such a situation. Of course he's flustered. They're totally ignoring the carefully thought out scenario and basically screwing the rules. And some of them don't even have the money and resources to do so!


End file.
